The OCs: Adventures in Characterization
by August DuMonte
Summary: More of an homage than a parody, this is a tribute to some of my favorite Original Characters in POTC fandom. And it's also a blatant act of cronyism, but I really don't care. Featuring Norrington and all his wacky pals. Read it and be horribly confused!
1. One: A Long Awaited Party!

The OCs

It was a lovely clear day on the Disney end of Jamaica, and at a large and tasteful estate a sumptuous party was being thrown to celebrate a certain Commodore's transfer to Port Royal. The drinks were fair, the food was fine, the furrow followed free..wait. no. ..dammit! must finish line! Argh! Hmm. Better start the dialogue someplace.

            "And so you see _amigo_, we were the first that ever burst into that silent sea." The woman speaking smiled a sly smile at her masterful use of poetry a hundred years after her time. 

            "How perfectly anachronistic of you," her companion purred, sipping at his wine and looking around to see if there were any canonicals to corrupt. "Although I daresay you should leave out that bit about the albatross."

            "What?" she nearly spat out her Bacardi. "But that's where all the best religious imagery is! Next you'll be telling me to leave out the resurrection of the crew! _Stupido." Calidori, for that was who the angry woman was, glared at the officer. "Go have an opium hallucination, why don't you. I think the world is too much with you, late and soon."_

            "Franny darling, your name dropping is _terrible_." Moncrieff emphasized this statement with a flamboyant hand gesture. Not as flamboyant as Jack Sparrow, but you get the idea. But just then the snarky French Lieutenant was made aware by the powers that be that his love interest was not present at the party. "_Merde_!" he whispered. "Have I been so beguiled as to be blind to my most grievous loss!?" and continuing in this manner he sauntered off to find his CO.

            "Don't call me 'Franny'!" Calidori yelled, making a rude gesture with the stump of her right hand. "Stupid French bastard." Her nationalistic tirade however was stopped by the appearance of a distraught-looking society lady. 

            "Oh I'm dreadfully sorry to have interrupted," the girl began. She was astonishingly pretty and still managed to seem human. "But I can't seem to find my dear brother or his cute Lieutenant. Have you seen them?"

            "Was the cute Lieutenant snarky and French?"

            "Yes! And he's wounded!" the girl looked quite hopeful now, her eyes shining.

            "Sorry, I must have met some other snarky French Lieutenant then, _señora." Calidori snagged a glass of brandy from a passing servant. _

            "My apologies then. My name is Katherine, by the way. Katherine Norrington." She smiled in a charming manner that on any other girl would have caused all the party guests to spontaneously vomit. "And you are?"

            "A Stern Daughter of the Voice of God, miss." She paused. "_Madre de Dios, I am trapped in a never-ending cycle of poetry from the future!!" Katherine tactfully wandered away, leaving the female pirate captain to her fit of rage. She passed by a girl slightly older than herself, sulking at the edge of the crowd. _

            "Have you seen my Matthieu, Hope?" Katherine asked, *snicker* hopefully. 

            "Father _made me come to this absurd party, you know." Hope glared at the ground, and picked a bit of lint off her dress, which was black. All black. "Where's the Commodore? I need to resolve my irrational dislike of him."_

            "I don't know," Katherine sighed. "It's terribly unseemly for our host to simply vanish like this."

            "Vanished, did you say?" asked a handsome (if emaciated) officer, joining in the conversation. "Yes, I believe you're right, Miss Norrington. It's almost as if he has dark supernatural powers."

            "Lieutenant Pearce, what on earth are you doing here?" Hope asked. "Aren't you…deceased?"

            "No, I received an invitation, same as you lovely ladies. It's got to be the best party I've ever seen." He frowned slightly. "Although I do wish that Moncrieff would have refrained from groping me by the refreshments table."

Katherine paled, as this was far too much information for a lady of her standing. Hope as well looked suitably scandalized. 

            As the party drew on, all the irritating socialite gossip centered on the host's mysterious absence. The new Mrs. Captain Boone was quite animated about it.

            "And so I said to William," Kitty began saying to her audience of vulture-like single women and their mothers. "I was so hoping to see the Commodore before we have to go back to India. It's a dreadful place, you know." There was much fluttering of fans in agreement. "Oh, isn't this just a _lovely_ ring! ...I don't think I miss being called 'Miss Franklin' at _all. Heehee."_

Meanwhile in the stately and decadently furnished mansion, sordid naval affairs were taking place. Because that's just what happens at these sorts of parties. 

"I cannot believe you stole my lovely billowing cloak, you bastard." The mysterious host said in an incredibly stuffy manner. His adversary was taken aback, so haughty and repressed was his tone. 

"It was mine to begin with, if you remember," he sneered evilly, and twirled his Snidely Whiplash mustache. 

"You weren't even invited! How terribly improper. You know, if your sister ever ran off with a gambling drunkard, I would absolutely _refuse_ to pay for her wedding. You-you canonical!"

"Gasp!" the evil dark puppy-kicking figure gasped. "That's hardly the way to speak to your inspiration, now is it? Now I'll be forced to rape you."

"Not if I rape you first, Norrington!" the Commodore spat.

"Oh do shut up, Bennett. You disgust me with your terribly...alluring…stuffiness…" SEMPOTO Norrington's eyes glazed over. But then a puppy ran through the room and he kicked it, and felt much better. "At any rate, I must away. Young Turner is still chained to my bed, and I'd hate for him to starve to death before I'm finished with him."

"Oh, I understand completely," Bennett replied genially. "We'll continue this argument later, then?"

"But of course, darling." And with a swoop and a swell of the orchestra, the bastardized canonical vanished in a billow of cape. 


	2. Two: Animal Sidekicks!

The OCs: Animal sidekicks!

It was all very poetic, had the snogging not been taking place inside a wardrobe. Had there been a sufficient light source, one could have gone off on an aesthetic tangent about how pretty they both looked, how much depth of colour there was in Gillette's wavy red hair, how Norrington's eyes shone. But there was no need to describe flushed faces and swollen lips. There was only the moment.

            "I love you," Norrington sighed blissfully, resting his head on his lievtenant's freckled shoulder. Gillette giggled.

            "Strange place to say it, sir. _Mon dieu." As he leaned in for another kiss Norrington was stopped by a sharp flash of pain along his neck._

            "Really Alex, there's no need to be so rough."

            "Wasn't me, sir." The conversation abruptly ended with an eerie yet adorable mewing. Norrington stared down into the luminescent eyes of a kitten, perched upon Gillette's shoulder. The kitten hissed.

            "What in God's name is a kitten doing here?!" However as a second kitten had appeared on Gillette's head, the question was fast growing irrelevant. 

            "They are terribly endearing, Robert. But I have no idea how the kittens got here." Norrington reached toward the original kitten, which lunged forward with its needle-sharp claws bared. The Commodore (who was quite flustered by this point) drew back quickly, but tripped over a third kitten on the floor of the wardrobe. He tumbled backwards into the light and landed with a muffled thud on an oriental rug. And then a pair of breeches came into view, and a frowning face looked down on him. 

            "Norrington, what on earth are you doing in my schränk?" Bennett asked coldly. "Please remove yourself from my quarters immediately."

            "It's Gillette! He's—the kittens! The kittens!" Norrington was by this time quite hysterical, and hugging Bennett's knees. There was an awkward silence, during which Gillette stepped out of the wardrobe, his shirt all open; he was nearly covered with kittens, all in a lovely marmalade colour and glaring madly at Norrington. Said awkward silence might have gone on indefinitely had there not been a rap at the door. A maidservant entered, took one look at the scene, and stood dumb in shock. Norrington looked up at her from the floor, which caused the maid to blush furiously.

            "Sir…" she began in a halting voice, her bright eyes darting about the room.

            "Yes, what is it, Sally-Ann?" Bennett asked. His tone was weary and he looked overall quite put-upon to have his coworker attached to his legs.

            "Well sir, if you don't mind the intrusion…you see there's a lady, sir. She's in the parlour at the moment and she said she wanted to stalk-I mean talk with you, and with Commodore Norrington and his Lievtenant if they could be found and she won't stop shouting and she's dressed in the most anachronistic vestments I've ever seen, and she's a horrible Mary-Sue and I won't let her take you away from me! I won't stand for it, sir! I've worked and I've slaved through an angsty backstory being orphaned mysteriously and all and I've made it this far and really can you blame a girl for fancying men in uniform? Can you? CAN YOU?!?!" Sally-Ann stopped her tirade (most likely due to lack of breath at this point) and sat down abruptly on the divan and began sobbing hysterically.

            Bennett made a move to pat her shoulder reassuringly, but Norrington still being around his knees and shivering, he made little progress.

            "Look, Sally—for God's sake, girl show the lady in. And then go down to the kitchens and have yourself and apple. You'll feel much better." Sally-Ann looked up at him with stars in her eyes (literally), wiped her nose on her apron in a most unSuelike manner, and got up to show the mysterious lady of mystery in. 

            She glided into the room, seemingly shrouded in a halo of mist. Then she rolled her eyes in disdain, and the mist vanished. She took one look at the three officers (and bevy of kittens) and burst out laughing.

            "I fail to see what's funny about this situation, madam." Commodore Bennett said stuffily. Or, moreso than usual. 

            "Oh—heehee, this is too great! The kittens! This is just like that challenge! Sexy shirtless Gillette with a kitten!" And the laughter redoubled.

            "I—I'm sexy?" Gillette asked in disbelief. There were tears in his eyes. Norrington snapped out of his hysterics and abruptly glared at his lievtenant.

            "Well of course, you are, darling! For God's sake you have absolutely no self-esteem, man." He would have hugged Gillette then, but the kittens hissed as one and kept him away. And then a dark head of hair thrust itself through the window. Nevermind that the room was on the second floor.

            "I will not stand for this, _amiga_! I demand representation!" The mysterious lady shot a death-glare at the intruder.

            "For the absolute last time Calidori, I will NOT write you an angsty flashback scene in Morocco! I refuse to sink that low!"

            "We'll see about that." The female pirate spat, and vanished as quickly as she had appeared. 

            "Stop nagging me!" the lady shouted through the window. "Go play with Sexy!Barbossa, why don't you?!" At the mention of this name Sally-Ann went quite pale and rushed out of the room. There was a pause.

            "Would you care to introduce yourself, madam?" Bennett asked. "And perhaps explain what you are doing at my party." The lady glared at him.

            "Honestly Commodore, you are absorbing the character of Norrington, and I will not stand for that." She turned to said other Commodore. "You're a canonical, man! Canonicals do not have fits of hysteria and fall down on the floor and weep!"

            "But the kittens!"

            "Yes yes, they're quite frightening. Gillette, please get rid of those things at once. Or at least put them in a basket." The lievtenant did so (with a conveniently located basket) and the lady tossed a ball of yarn conveniently produced from her olive green jacket to the kittens. The kittens settled down, and Norrington could once again embrace his lover adorably and all was well with the world and little rainbows sprouted up in the room and nightingales sang and Keats wrote really depressing poetry in the future and the sentence ran on and on and on like Atlanta. 

            "Oh dear _God, I've referenced DuBois! Nooooo!" the lady shrieked._

            "Actually it's Greek myth." Gillette pointed out. "And who are you, anyway?"

The lady smiled, although she really looked like a young woman about the age of Elizabeth Swann and not like a lady at all. She shrugged.

            "I suppose you lovely gentlemen may call me...in this plane of existence…hmm." she paused. "Lady Augusta Dashwood DuMonte. Yes, that's a nice proper name, right? Oh, but how rude of me. I've come to show you gentlemen something. I'm the author, you see." She smiled kindly. 

            "Author? What author?" Norrington asked, incredibly confused. And also feeling quite abused. 

            "You're not _my_ author," said Bennett, peering perceptively at August.

            "Well of course not darling, I'm borrowing you."

            "Oh. Well. Carry on, then."

            "At any rate, my purpose here is to escort you fine gentlemen to a convention of sorts. Oh, and Lievtenant Moncrieff has already been sent there, so there's no need to worry about an undersupply of snarky French boys."

            "This is all terribly confusing," Gillette opined.

            "Thank you, Captain Obvious," Bennett muttered under his breath.

            "Oi! He's only made captain in my fic, dearie! Let's try and keep some semblance of sanity, here!" August was looking quite irate. "anyway. I realize this must be terribly confusing for you all, but really, I think you'll enjoy it. Plenty of friends there and all." And without further ado August snapped her fingers and the four of them vanished without a trace.

*******

Not five minutes later, Lievtenant John Wilkins and Captain William Boone were having a tryst in the stables. Unfortunately this was interrupted by Sally-Ann rushing in hysterical, and ranting about everyone being gone.

            "They've all vanished! The Commodores and their Snarky French Lievtenants! I can't find them anywhere! And Pet's in a right state, she is!" said fox/lady/ladytrappedinfoxdemonformduetoahorribleandasyetunexplainedcurse growled and twitched her tail in frustration. She missed her Norrington. She missed him bad. And also she could find to sign of Mr. Murtogg, and so she was completely out of her element. The kittens and their basket had also mysteriously appeared in the stables, and were looking mightily confused. A loud snort ended Sally-Ann's ranting. Darby and Achilles were glaring daggers at each other from across their stalls. Patroclus the Pony looked on in amusement. 

            "In a clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade!" screeched Mr. Cotton's parrot from the rafters. 

            "Good lord," said Captain Boone, highly amused. "We have ourselves a regular menagerie." Wilkins chuckled adorably.

            "But what am I to do? What will become of me?" Sally-Ann cried.

            "We could always have a luau," Wilkins suggested. And luau they did. 

********

Elsewhere:

Everything was a glaring white for a moment. Then the light was gone, and Norrington could observe a large ballroom full of milling people. August's voice broke though the crowds.

            "Gentlemen, I would like to welcome you to the first annual Convention of Characters That Get Royally Shafted In Canon, Fanon, and Otherwise Snarky Characters Who are Really, Really Awesome, And Also The Honourable Ladies Of The NDL. And Commodore Bennett, it would behoove you to drop that façade at once. You are nothing more than an evil Fitzwilliam Darcy, and we all know it."

            "Oh _fine," said Bennett/Darcy, shrugging._

            "Righto!" August continued. "Robert Fitzwilliam Norrington, Alexandre Gillette, Mr. Darcy, I'd like for you all to meet Bill the Pony, Blaise Zabini, Peter Smith-Kingsley, Mr. Palmer, Jean Prouvaire, Colonel Brandon, Lucian, Eric Satie, Audrey, Alec Trevelyan, Nuriko, Pete the Guy, Doyle, Colin Craven, William Wordsworth, Richard Sharpe, Terry Benedict, Spence, Thief Boy and Green Girl, Frick, Father Brian Finn, Dorian Gray, And Boromir son of Denethor. You already know Jean-Jacques Moncrieff, and I'm out of breath. Have some punch and say your hellos, boys."

And with that, August slumped off to eat some cookies and perhaps get some sleep.

End! Of the Chapter!

********

Author's Note: well kids, I wasn't going to publish this here, but certain circumstances beyond my control make my actions quite necessary. If I left out anyone's OCs I am deeply sorry, and if comments are left in review form I shall endeavour to do all in my power to rectify the error. I realize that by the end this chapter makes no sense whatsoever. It is a parody of sorts after all, and what good parody would be complete without gratuitous crossovers? Hehe. Points to anyone who can name where everyone comes from. No, more than mere points: my undying awe and respect, and also cookies. Yes, cookies.


	3. Three: Explanations! Orgies! Lewd Songs!

The OCS: chapter Three

Explanations, bad songs, and Vulgar Lady Pirates. 

Disclaimer: I only own myself and Calidori. That's all. Please do not sue me. 

This chapter is dedicated to Musey, who gives conctructive criticism, and to Corey Feldman Draco!Boy, who got me thinking about the illustrious Pistols again. ^_^.

The scene is dark. Enter August, who is spotlighted and carrying a microphone.

August: okay kids, I guess this is the obligatory script-style chapter, so let's just bear with it any maybe we'll all get home in one piece, okay? Okay. 

Musey: *pops in* see, I told you you needed an explanation. 

August: fiiine. I guess there were just too many inside jokes. Poor Pete the guy! *sniffs*

Satchmo: There's a Body in the Road, Milacy! It's a young Man! *disappears*

Musey: Actually, I was more thinking of the OCs and the NDL jokes, but okay…*pops out*

August: Righto! As per request, I shall commence explaining all the wackiness of the OCs. Yeah. Firstly, Calidori. She's my char, from "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Bermuda" which is a rockin fic and you should all read it and become my mind-slaves. Seriously, folks. ^_^. Secondly…hrm, lemme see who else I wrote into this shindig. Oh yeah! Bennett and Moncrieff, while created by Musey, are really the property of the Norrington Defense League, and they were thought up as an alternative to people bastardizing Norrie and Gillette into two-dimensional villains. SEMPOTO Norrington is the term for such a bastardized Norrington depiction, and the acronym stands for Stereotypical Evil Madman Phantom of the Opera. He likes raping people and kicking puppies. 

Everyone Else (in Order of Appearance):

Katherine Norrington: the esteemed Commodore's surprisingly un-Mary-Sue sister. She's featured in Broadsides, by the esteemed CommodoresLady. You must read it, now. It is epic and wonderful, and a great example of Gillette Het, as we call it. ^_^.

Hope Schuyler: featured in "The Pirate's Return" by Hermione-Malfoy. Hope is really angsty, but she does mean well. 

Lieutenant Pearce: He's not an OC at all, but that 'best pirate I've ever seen' guy. His official unofficial character name is Groves, and some people call him Jonathan Ashley Bush, but I refer to him as Pearce because he looks like the poor man's Guy Pearce. seriously. 

Kitty Boone, nee Franklin: technically this character is ganked straight from The Jungle Book (the really bad live-action version with John Cleese), but Kitty got a slight name change and ended up in Endril McMerlyn's Christmas Challenge fic, entitled Deck the Halls. Kitty is one of those flighty society ladies. Yeah.

Sally-Ann Turner-Barbossa: ..I think that's her full name. I think. Created by Elske to be the epitome of the Norringtonverse Mary-Sue, the girl just tries too hard. It's amusing. Sally-Ann works as a maid in the Governor's household, as a replacement for Estrella.

Sexy!Barbossa: not so much an OC as an alternate characterization, he's also owned by Elske and that's all I'm going to say on the subject. 

Lieutenant John Wilkins: This name seems to pop up a lot in the Norrington fandom. I have no idea why, but to my knowledge I was the first to use him in "Funny Thing". Wilkins is also technically an OC, since he's from Jungle Book as well. He is, by the way, played by Jason Flemyng. Wilkins rocks. 

Captain William Boone: Also from Jungle Book. (see where I steal characters from?) he's played by Cary Elwes and isn't really evil. Honest.

Pet: also known as Hito Shinarashi, she belongs to DragonLady and is the main char of "Fox Commodore". Pet rocks hardcore. Seriously. 

Darby: the feisty gray gelding from "Broadsides". Darby also rocks hardcore, but is not terribly angsty like Pet. Because Darby's just a cool horse who likes to wear tricorne hats.

Achilles: Norrington's (currently stolen) bay cob from "Funny Thing". Achilles does not really rock hardcore, but is a sweetie of a horsie. Yeah.

Patroclus the Pony: because I refuse to let up on the homoerotic literature jokes, Patroclus is Gillette's pony in my crazy mind-world. Yeah. 

The Basket of Kittens: used throughout much of the fics written by NDL members, the kittens are one of our huge inside jokes. At one point, someone on the yahoogroup talked about some sort of fantasy about a shirtless Gillette and a kitten. A cute little marmalade kitten to match Damian O'Hare's hair. And thus a challenge was set forth, and many fics were written. Nowadays the Marmalade Kitten has become a metaphor for Gillette, and is a symbol of Gillette-fandom. We give newbies their own kitten. ^_^.

Elske: August, you forgot the mangoes! *smacks August with a can of mango juice*

August: ACK! Damn. Okay, the thing about the mangoes comes from the twisted minds of Musey and Elske. There was one night on the NDL yahoogroup that has subsequently been dubbed Fruit Night, in which many ficlets were posted, all but one (mine) being centered around mangoes and how tasty and erotic they are. I did not get the Fruit Night memo. Mangoes are a symbol of Norrington/Gillette shipping. And on that note, I will stop this crazed runaway author's note, and perhaps introduce some real plot. Heh.

ENTER THE PLOT! *cue kung-fu music*

At the crazed convention in Crossover-verse, a huge pretty mango-tastic orgy was taking place. The floor was, by this point, quite sticky. Because you know what? Orgies are funny. And, when mangoes are involved, quite tasty. Not that the mangoes were actually _involved, involved. Ew. Okay, changing topics!_

*******

Back at Commodore Bennett's estate, a big giant party was taking place. It had not yet progressed to an orgy. Katherine and Hope were looking appropriately scandalized at the goings on. Pearce was doubled over with laughter, and Boone and Wilkins were rather shocked, and wondering whether someone should fetch some irons, because really this was all getting quite out of hand. The reason for the alarm was the appearance of a second lady pirate who insisted she was a privateer. Sally-Ann had thrown a screaming fit and was currently sipping mango juice on a couch and glaring at the two pirates. The pair had become friends remarkably quickly; this event (despite their contrasting alliances) was thanks to Bennett's ready supply of fine brandy. 

August the Author was standing at the edge of the room and snickering. She briefly considered popping back out to watch the orgy, but decided against it. Too many limbs. But to return to the point, Calidori had made a new friend. And in the grand tradition of friend-making among lady pirates, they had already aired their grievances about the Royal Navy, discussed the finer points of their ships and crew, told battle stories, shared tips on standard design and ship naming, had progressed beyond the point of comparing battle scars and broken/missing limbs, and were now at the point of standing on a table and singing bawdy songs really, really loudly. The situation being what is was, the songs were extremely anachronistic. Not like anyone cared. 

"She aint no human being…" Calidori slurred. "There's not future in England's dreeeeeaming…….Andy! Oi, _Muchacha_! Let's give the English Naval Bastards a good show, eh?"

Andraste Morgan Rose, normally quite reserved and proper and serious, nodded in agreement and smiled at the crowd. 

"It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ you shoulda seen us…"

"Oh dear god, not this." Muttered Boone. Wilkins had gone pale and the ladies present were looking on in confusion. Because they didn't know such vulgar nautical songs. Pearce was now having a giggle fit. August was grinning like mad. 

"The Captain's name was Morgan, heehee!" Calidori said, staggering a bit and waving a bottle in her hand. She was gesturing with her stump. Gesturing very lewdly. Andraste glared at her briefly. "By Christ, he was a gorgan! Ten times a day he'd stop and play with his fuckin' organ!"

Katherine proceeded to faint. She was revived by Quinlan the surgeon just in time for the final chorus, in which Pearce had jumped onto the table, squinted his eyes and scrunched up his nose, and proceeded to spit blood at the audience. The fine china in the cupboards shook with the volume of the singing. Or yelling, more accurately.

"Friggin' in the riggin', friggin' in the riggin', friggin' in the riggin', there was FUCK ALL ELSE TO DO!!" and then the tow lady pirates kicked Pearce off their impromptu stage and fell down in a heap. 

***********

Meanwhile, all of the non-POTC related crossover characters had conveniently disappeared, and the four officers were enjoying a post-coital cigarette. 

"I sense a disturbance in the fandom." Bennett said abruptly. Moncrieff giggled. "No, I'm serious! Someone's trashing MY HOUSE!" he got up in rage and got dressed. His Lieutenant pouted. 

"Well, I suppose we should get back, if the situation is that serious," Norrington sighed.

"Seems very serious, sir." Said Gillette, who didn't look serious at all. In fact, he was attempting not to laugh. "Sounds like the occasion needs planning. A plan-heehee! –a plan of action." Norrington grinned wickedly at Gillette, and Moncrieff rolled his eyes. 

"Anyone given any thought to how we're supposed to get back home?" he asked, impatient. 

Indeed, no means of escape could be found, and without the Author there the four men were at a loss as to how they were ever supposed to return to their own world. A note suddenly popped into the space, reading as follows:

Hello boys, sorry about the delay. It seems you'll be stuck there for a while. Really, it's only a precaution. Can't have the pretty officers stepping on broken glass or anything. Oh, and Bennett? Your liquor cabinet has been raided. That's not a euphemism, either. Sally-Ann's trying to take care of it, but the poor thing seems like she'll have a nervous breakdown at any moment. So just sit tight until I can get back to ya. It might be a while. Also: Jack Sparrow sends his love.

~August~

"I really hate her," Bennett opined. A miniature Micro-fridge full of mango juice and a case of cup ramen popped out of nowhere.

"Anyone else getting bloody sick of all these mangoes?" Norrington asked, sighing. 


	4. Four: Boredom! The Author needs Tharapy!...

Boredom Strikes the Fab Four!

Being the fourth part of 

The OC's: Adventures in Characterization

A/N: uhm….I don't own anybody in particular in this chapter, except of course for myself. Yeah. Inspired by…I don't know what, really. I suppose this chapter was inspired by my complete and utter love of the Navy Officers of the Caribbean, and thus I ignore pirates completely. Dedicated to Musey, who came up with the idea of stereotypical evil Officers in the first place. ^_^. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy as the Fab Four (plus Groves/Pearce) become…the Fab Six. Yeah.

***********

"I'm bored," Moncrieff opined, for the fourth time in fifteen minutes. Everyone else rolled their eyes, and Bennett in particular grumbled something under his breath about Moncrieff and his short attention span, and a small tussle broke out between the two token evil naval officers. And that was a rather long sentence, wouldn't you say?

            As it turned out, the boys were all of them quite bored, but three of the four had the good sense to retain their dignity and not whinge about it every thirty seconds or so. In fact, they had quickly discovered that without copious quantities of alcohol to keep things amusing, the officers really didn't have that much to talk about. 

            Gillette was, at the moment, using empty cans of mango juice to stage the slaughter at Agincourt, and was giving a running commentary. A commentary that went something along the lines of: "Now THIS is how things should have gone, and then…"

            James Insert Inventive/Embarrassing Middle Name Here Norrington, Scourge of Pirates and Pride of the King's Navy, was fighting a losing battle against the cup ramen. He had inspected the food (such as it was) in a calculating and strategic manner, figured out how to cook it from the rather vague instructions, and completely failed to master chopsticks. This led to various attempts to eat the ramen without any suitable utensils, which in turn led to some not-terribly-serious but extremely painful burns, and a lot of yelling. Having exhausted his English and (rather meager) French vocabulary of expletives, he was now cursing at the microwave oven in Latin. Which is harder than it looks.

            Bennett, without any puppies to kick or young blacksmiths/Mary-Sues to rape, was going stir crazy. And by stir crazy, I mean he was sitting in the corner and gibbering nonsense about the Phantom of the Opera. It was rather sad, really, to see a waste of such perfectly good evil. The man should have been out there doing nefarious deeds on the high seas and ruling shady port towns with an iron fist and doing it all in the name of whatever monarch held the British throne, but instead he was quietly shaking and muttering anachronisms. Sad, very sad. 

            Truth be told, without pirates to thwart, Naval officers go completely mad. They're just wired that way. So when the Author appeared in a cloud of smoke and glitter (coughing up a storm, it should be noted), Lt. Groves/Pearce in tow, there was a bit of an uproar.

            "Teddy!" Gillette yelled, hugging his friend's knees. "You're _alive!"_

            "Well of course I'm alive. I'm far too amusing to remain dead in fanon, you know that." Groves/Pearce rolled his eyes, and smiled good-naturedly.

            "Have you come from the outside world? Did you bring us normal food?!" Norrington looked manic.

            "What news from the Riddermark?" Bennett asked, one eye twitching sporadically. 

            "Uhm…well…some of these OCs, as they call themselves, are having a golf tournament on Commodore Bennett's grounds. Miss Swann exploded from not knowing whether to be characterized as an oathbreaking bitch or a reasonable, strong female character, and I'm afraid Sally-Ann still hasn't been able to get the mess out of the carpet." At this news Norrington would have liked to go on a sad drinking binge, but then the Author suddenly realized that the esteemed Commodore was rather quickly turning into Kiefer Sutherland's character in _The Three Musketeers (Disney version), and decided to put a stop to all Alcoholic!Norrington references for the moment._

            "Wow, it's a real Cuckoo's Nest in here," the Author stated, looking around at the destruction. It should here be noted that most of said destruction was due to Norrington's attempt to murder the hateful microwave oven. "How are you boys holding up?"

            "Rather badly, I'm afraid." Gillette surveyed the field of aluminum cans surrounding him, stood up, and kicked them all down. He then proceeded to laugh in a deranged and maniacal manner. "Rather badly indeed, I daresay. Ahahhahahhahahahhahahah!"

            "Get ahold of yourself, man!" Groves/Pearce said, looking concerned.

            "I'd love to, mon ami, but there are ladies present."

The Author rubbed the bridge of her nose, because she was getting a headache.

            "Hey! That's MY token gesture of annoyance!" Norrington said, getting upset. And it was true, because the Author never got those nose-type headaches. Just the annoying kind around your temples that you can't really do anything about because they're not bad enough to warrant taking any Advil or what have you. Anyway. Where is this fic going?

            "I have absolutely no idea," said Moncrieff. "But I need more lines."

            "As do I, madam!" said Bennett stuffily (he _is_ Colin Firth, after all) "I have no dastardly deeds to do! And when that's your only purpose in life, it gets terribly depressing when you can't you know, pillage towns and torture people."

            "_Tell me about it," drawled Creepy Albino Spawn of Hell Guy, appearing out of nowhere. While the officers looked rather startled at his sudden appearance, the Author's eyes went wide. And then she screamed, in the grand tradition of women in mortal peril from giant monsters or serial killers from the first days of talking pictures._

            "GETITAWAYGETITAWAY!!!" she shrieked, diving at Norrington and holding onto him for dear life. She broke out into panicked sobs. "**_Make the scary man go away_**!"

            "Madam, what on earth is the matter?" Norrington asked, while attempting to comfort her as best he could (which is what all gentlemen are trained to do, but the process is somewhat hindered when the lady in question refuses to faint gracefully but instead is attempting to hide by burrowing into one's chest).

            "I think the problem might be a film the Author's seen recently?" Moncrieff said, unsure of the knowledge that just spontaneously popped into his head.

            "Ah," said Norrington, not in the least bit reassured or less confused.

            "You see, girl?" Bennett grumbled. "_This_ is what happens when you're not loyal to your fandom! You go off like some harlot, getting obsessed with some other book or film or what have you, and it comes back to blow up in your face! Serves you right, I say."

            "Fandom karma, that is," said Gillette thoughtfully. He then regained his composure and looked at the newcomer with a steely gaze. "You, sir. Who are you, and why are you here?"

            "As far as I know, my name's 'Creepy Albino Spawn of Hell', but I find that a bit offensive." He glared at the Author with his evil pinkish glare.

            "Stop it, you Lucifer! Stop being creepy!!" the Author was, of course, not calming down in the least. 

            "I can't, woman! That's my damn character!" Creepy Albino Spawn of Hell was getting rather upset.

            "I feel you pain, man," said Bennett helpfully, offering him a can of mango juice.

            "I liked you better when you were Dumb Blonde Dickensian Hero, you pink-eyed bastard." The Author said, pouting.

            "Well I'm sorry." Creepy Albino Spawn of Hell said. He was getting a bit upset. "I'm sorry to ruin the _perfect_ little worldview of a silly little girl. But you know what? Anthony Minghella films just DO that to people! It's not my fault!"

            "Now _that I understand," said Norrington quietly._

            "Why can't you ever have a happy ending, Peter?" the Author wailed at Norrington.

            "Now this is just getting silly," Groves said decisively. "You've gone and confused reality again."

            "I'm easily confused!"

            "Can we all just please settle down?" Gillette asked.

            "Not until I get this leechy fangirl off me," sighed Norrington.

            "Not until Creepy Albino Spawn of Hell gets un-creepy-ified!" the Author yelled.

            "Can I please go back to North Carolina? I have to kill Jude Law, you know." Bennett rolled his eyes at this statement.

            "Why do I get the feeling she's not going to want that to happen?" he said to no one in particular.

            "That's it, Spawn of Hell, you're joining Bennett and Moncrieff's little team. You can be like, the evil Groves/Pearce or something." The Author got a wicked gleam in her eye.

            "Alright then, what's my name, Miss 'I Change the Laws of Time, Space, and Fandom'?"

            "Nickleby," she said smugly. "Lievtenant Charles 'Seriously Evil Bastard' Nickleby."

            "I hate you," the newly re-characterized Lt. Nickleby said, glaring at the Author. But he had very little time to glare, as he was trapped in a group hug from Bennett and Moncrieff. 

            "Woohoo!" Bennett shouted anachronistically.

            "We're an Evil Triumvirate!" Moncrieff said, tears in his eyes. "I've never been so happy!" The Author said nothing, but smiled a wicked (but in this case righteous) smile, and snapped her fingers. In an instant she had disappeared, along with Norrington, Gillette, and Groves/Pearce. And thus the new Evil Triumvirate was trapped in Space-Time, while Bennett's house continued to be trashed by rowdy, drunken OCs. 

Life is good, sometimes.

************

So, that's it. Drop me a review, if you'd like. And go see Cold Mountain. It's a good movie, but such a downer. *shakes fist at Charlie Hunnam* 


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